All across the board...

So, as I am sitting here, thinking of all the items to be listed in this blog, I am wondering if these personality traits are some sort of OCD, personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, or other such explanation. Maybe I am just looking for something to blame, other than an over anxious and over analytical mind.
#1- I cannot walk through a door, into a bar, restaurant, or other social establishment first. So that means, that when I am on a date, the guy cannot be a gentleman and hold the door open for me. These men don't seem to understand this and think I am just being a silly Type-A, who has to show independence by opening the door for them. NOT the case. I have anxiety about having to walk in first. You see, much to many peoples amazement, I do not like to be the center of attention. I don't like the whole, "all eyes on me." It bundles my nerves so tightly that I can hardly function like a normal adult. So, what happens when a door opens in a place? People turn and look at the door. People are nosy. They want to know who is coming in, they want to know if they know the person coming in, they want to judge the person coming in. Therefore, I can not walk in first.
#2- I am a dissector, or whatever you call someone that dissects. I don't dissect cute little frogs or anything of that nature. I dissect information. I dissect every word. I dissect every action. Everything means something to me; be it good, bad or ugly, and I cannot sleep at night until I figure out what that is. If there is nothing to dissect, I analyze the situation, because that simply is not possible and therefore there is something I am missing. There HAS to be something to dissect.
#3- I am a "fixer" as someone recently put it. I don't like conflict, yet I cannot walk away from conflict. I don't want to argue, but I can't walk away with things left unresolved. So, rather than walk away, leave things unsaid, I would rather assess and talk about the situation, resolve it, then there is no question of where things stand. When I have to walk away, the only thing is does is cause me massive amounts of anxiety, fear, and emotions to the point that I almost make myself ill with worry. I don't like when things are not black and white with where things stand. More than that, I don't like when things are potentially not "good." I am the first to admit fault to avoid an argument and just happily move on about the day.
That being said, if I have an issue, I would rather dissect it with my BFF than bring it up while spending time with the person I am in a relationship with. Why? Well, I typically don't get to spend much time with the person due to scheduling conflicts. So the time I do get to spend with them, I don't want to spend discuss what may or may not be me over analyzing something.
#4- I used to be naive. I am not anymore. I have NOW figured out that NO ONE works 24 hours a day 7 days a week. If they say they do, they are lying. I used to think that they were just that dedicated to their job, I NOW see that they were dedicated to making it appear that way. One point in the positive for Christy; she finally figured that out!
And alas, I need to quit listing all my quirky personality traits, and let you all enjoy reading about them while I finish the next chapter of The Break-Up Chronicles. Tonight is the first meeting of the minds at the "Writing Club, party of two," as I have dubbed it. :) There will be a blog about this, I am sure. With the two minds we are putting together it is sure to be an entertaining event, just sayin....

Sometimes you just can't reason with Christy

I am a type A personality. I am impatient. I like things to be done my way. I like things to go according to my plan. This is probably very selfish, or it is just very type A. Whichever the case may be, it is who I am. I am the type of person you either love or hate. 

I rush around in a panicked frenzy getting stressed out over small details, only to change everything around at the last minute, for no reason what-so-ever. Let me give you a little example of what I am talking about.

First date jitters. Everyone has them, right? Ok, well maybe just people like me. "Date 1" was going to take place spur of he moment on a Thursday evening. I wouldn't have really even considered that a date; it would have been more like a casual meeting. This did not happen. Due to it coming up at the last minute, I didn't end up with a sitter. So, then a "date" was actually scheduled for 3 days later. The thought of this itself made me want to crawl out of my skin with anxiety issues. I had 3 days to plan, so one would think I would totally be okay with this. No, not anyone who knows me. Anyone who knows me, would know that this leaves idle time for me to analyze, re-analyze and over analyze every little detail about this date. Irrational fear and stress over everything about this date, from what to wear to if I was going to have to walk into the place we were meeting, alone. (I don't walk through doors first, but that is a whole other blog.)

So the day of the date arrives. He is a nice guy, who has been a complete gentleman, so there is NOTHING to worry about, yet I am stressed out. Why? Because he picked the time, date, and location. Is this a big deal? One would not think so, because I would have picked nothing different. So, why IS it the source of all things stress related? Because it was not MY plan.

I think I changed clothes 20 times. Honestly. Looking around my room, it looked like my closet vomitted all over the bedroom floor, and I was no closer to finding something that I wanted to walk out of the house in. So, what do I do? I pick up the phone, and send a text. I have nothing to wear, I can't come. Now, as much as I had talked to him, we had never discussed how irrational and unreasonable I can be. So, he thought I was really not coming. What I really meant is: 1- I may be late. 2- I am stressed that I am not going to look cute. 3- I want to pout about this, thus leading back to number 1. Alas, I found something. For such a large stress in the day, I couldn't even tell you what I wore, real substantial issue, right?
So, I get in the car. I think I may have sent him a text telling him I could not meet him IN the restaurant. I get a reply telling me he is sitting at the outside bar, next door to the restaurant. Great, I get stress, he gets a beer. How is this fair? So, I get there, park. Get out of the car. My hands are numb. My voice is shaky. Stressed is written all over my face. As I approach the gate to the patio bar, the anxiety makes my legs feel like they are going to give out from under me. I have to walk through the gate, alone. Which means walking in FIRST and LAST which is just completely unacceptable for me. However, I made it in, began Date #1. Somebody give this girl a beer! 
Dinner, drinks, and future dates- Check! So, moral of the story, I stress. It's just my personality. I will stress, over big things, little things, and all things in between. I think better under stress, or so is my defense. All stress aside, I have had more dates with said, gentleman in the past 2 weeks that I had in my entire last "relationship." Just sayin...

Fly, Fly Away

You know that feeling where your stomach is doing flip-flops, your skin is crawling with excitement, and you can't catch your breath? That feeling of butterflies in your stomach? I know that feeling all to well. I used to place the future of any relationship on the presence or absence of butterflies. If the butterflies where present, then I obviously had an undeniable interest. I felt that butterflies meant chemistry. Butterflies meant excitement. Butterflies meant future. If someone did not cause butterflies, then I must not feel a connection with him, er, right? Well I am ditching that thought. You know why? What to butterflies do? Fly, fly away. Butterflies are beautiful creatures that come into sight long enough to capture your attention, amaze you with the beauty, then fly away quickly leaving you yearning for more.

Just like the butterfly, those who cause those butterflies, fly away. They come into your life, cause excitement; cause captivation; then they depart, as quickly as they appeared, leaving you in search of that excitement that was removed. Try to chase a butterfly, they will flutter their wings fast enough to put them just out of reach. No matter how high you climb, how fast you run, or how high you jump, they will not allow themselves to be captured. 

So maybe this whole time I had it backwards. I sought the presence of butterflies and didn't understand that the presence also meant that one day they would flutter away; because butterflies weren't mean to be kept. I thought that without the butterflies that meant it wasn't meant to be, when in all actuality, the absence meant that they wouldn't flutter away. They wouldn't put themselves just out of reach. 

So while before I focused on the presence, I am now focusing on the absence. If they cause the butterflies that just don't land, they will be set free to fly, fly away. 

Just sayin...

Not a Stepford

My views on what a wife should do for a husband or what a girlfriend should do for her boyfriend is much different from many others out there. I am pretty old fashioned. I think it is the woman’s job to take care of the man. The man should not HAVE to do dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, or other domestic chores (except lawn care. I just don’t do lawn care.) I think there is a reason that many “older” marriages worked. I fully believe it is the amount of devotion that these woman show to their husbands. I do not think that every man and woman should have this view, but this is merely my outlook.

This being said, I should make clear that I am not a “Stepford.” I am not a robot. I am not perfect. My hair is a mess sometimes. My makeup isn’t always perfectly in place. There is not always something baking in the oven. I don’t just sit there and look pretty. I have opinions. I have feelings. I have a voice. I will not always agree with what a man, my friends, a man’s friends, or everyone else thinks or feels about a situation. I am not programmed to say how high when someone says jump.

I am willing to listen to everyone’s opinion, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with them; so why does it mean that if I don’t, I am such a horrible person? Why can’t I have my opinion, thoughts and feelings just as I understand everyone else has?

I think that there are so many men that will never be satisfied with the woman who is perfectly imperfect. Many who will not embrace the uniqueness that a woman with feelings has to offer. Those men will lead a very lonely life, unless their idea of not being alone is a different woman in his bed every night; and let me be the first to say, those women will catch on to that game as well, and then they won’t even have that. Perfection doesn’t exist. So, men, if you are looking for a woman that sits and says nothing because she is scared she may offend you, doesn’t offer an opinion, doesn’t bring individualism to the table, then the local porn shop sells “blow-up Betty” and that is your perfect match. 

The things I say... (AND bonus weekend rewind!)

I tend to take the most inopportune moments to say things. Perhaps it is because I happen to find what I say, funny, cute, maybe a little sarcastic. But I have come to realize that sometimes what I say, sounds better just as a thought in my head, rather than words out of my mouth (or in a text). Sometimes this occurs when I have been drinking. Then at least I can blame it on the alcohol. Other times I am not so fortunate. Other times I don't think of how it is going to come across before I decide to press send. Its not that I say things that are hurtful, but perhaps they just are not cute....erm, or funny.
Anyway, moving on the the weekend rewind...
Friday I got a pleasant little surprise. After a test for a job in the morning, and an interview in the afternoon, RC (who shall remain nameless...for now) decided that he was going to come keep me company for my boring Friday evening in. This, of course, made my day. So, after watching a kick ass Cardinals game, a "so-so" movie, and an awesome kiss good night, I was able to get a wonderful and refreshing nights sleep. For some reason, the kisses allow me to sleep. LOL, at least that is what I am going with.
I got to sleep in until about 9:30 Saturday morning, which was nice, for a change. I was a total slacker all day though, which was not so nice. I should have done homework, and instead I watched one of my favorite movies ever with Dawn (Yea, Dawn! You made the blog!!). Then it was time to go to work.
I had to cater at a wedding Saturday night. Let me tell you, I am not a materialistic person; HOWEVER, in this case, I would have been a runaway bride. I knew it was going to be a Hmmmmm.....wedding, we pulled up to the reception location and it was at a gun club. I know we are in the middle of nowhere in the mid-west, but really? And the "moments" just kept getting better. The best-man walked in, unshaved, with a derby hat on and a "40" in his hand. The crowd was a mixture of suits and dresses to dirty jeans and t-shirts. I looked at my mom (whom I was catering with) and said, "Oh, Michelle (who was a mild bridezilla) would have had a hay day with this one." The groom had on Wranglers; and as if that wasn't classy enough, they were brown. I didn't know they even still MADE colored jeans. The ring bearer had on dress shoes with no socks. The brides veil looked as if it were decorated by a 6 year old. AND....drum roll please!!!! As we were packing the van to leave, the "men" of the wedding, were outside shooting clay pigeons. YEEEHAW! To think, we thought we may actually get tipped on this job.
After that experience, I needed a beer. So I went by Dawn's, had a beer, and headed home for the night.
Today (Sunday), I slept in again. It was wonderful. I got my favorite kind of wake-up (a message from RC), which set the precedence for the day. I was motivated, and got my homework done. Then it was off to Shaila's bridal shower! Good times there, it was great to see her so happy! Then it was home to finish one last assignment. Now I am on the couch for the duration. This heat wave is kicking my ass and draining my energy.
I've got a feelin...that this week is gonna be a good good weeeek! Just sayin...

I Feel like

I feel like…

…a fish. Fish are often forgotten for a few days, but are still alive when you decide to check the tank. Only the fish will just welcome the food you sprinkle in the tank when you finally remember it is there. I will quick jump out of the tank and be gone.

…a book. A novel really. Many chapters, some short some long, just waiting for the next chapter to be written.

…a picture. Looked at with memories, but never able to capture that moment again.

…a mirror. Reflective and telling, yet sometimes used for decoration.

…a tv sitcom. Entertaining, but changed for a commercial break.

…a flower. Beautiful but weathered by the storm.

…a smile. Simple yet effective.

…ice cream. Sweet. Comforting. Meltable.

…a tree. Fragile yet strong.

…chalkboard. Erase and re-do.

…I’m dreaming. Waiting to wake up.

Hoarders

Have you seen these people known as Hoarders? They collect, save, refuse to discard so many items that it takes over their homes, families and lives. Collections of junk that should have set to the curb long ago, yet they remain in piles, floor to ceiling. Some save these things because they supposedly have sentimental value; some because they may “need” it at a later date; and some because they just can’t let go.

I consider myself a hoarder, only I do not hoard physical objects. What I hoard does not fill my home, only my mind. What I hoard cannot not be seen to the people who walk into my life. What I hoard does not stack floor to ceiling. I am a memory hoarder. A hoarder of hopes and dreams. A hoarder of what might have been.

I guess this is what was meant by, “you have detachment issues.” Yes, I am hoarding that statement. Things that should just be set to the curb remain burnt into the depths of my mind. I don’t know why I am a hoarder, and I don’t know how to de-clutter the big ‘ole mess. No one else can throw these things out. No one can come in and remove the objects. Just like hoarders of physical objects, my life goes on despite the clutter and mess.

Perhaps it is time to clean out the closets, yet I reserve the right to hoard in the future... just sayin...

The Break-Up Chronicles

On facebook? "like" the book page!!! Just click on the title of this blog post! Its that simple, it takes you straight to my up and coming book fan page!

and so it begins.

I am a girl of many words. Well, that's not exactly true. I can get my point across if very few words sometimes, though, since I have to have the last word, that rarely happens. I mean, why should I let someone else have the satisfaction of thinking they got to say what they wanted to say and I had no rebuttal!? No way!! Simply put, that is not my style. That is probably why some "conversations" get taken to an extreme. Yes, I know, I have issues. :)

You know what other issue I have. Drunk texting. Just add alcohol, I think I am funny, and the texts go crazy. Why is it that after beer #1 my friends do not take my phone away from me? I think they think it makes good conversation for the next day. That or funny facebook posts. Sometimes I just have to delete my outbox, because I really just don't want to remember what I said. Oh, the issues....

Without explanation (they will be future blog posts!), I date guys that I am too hot for, I have detachment issues (or so I am told), I go from crying to laughing in 2.5 (maybe I am bi-polar, or I just have great friends), sometimes you just can't reason with Christy, HIM, the inner struggle with laziness, and I am sure a random drunk post every now and then. Stay tuned, I will be here often for your entertainment. :)

As for now, me and my friend beer must have a little chat...Just sayin...