The Haunting

Rough week. Really rough week; and that is putting it mildly. I wish it would have ended on a good note. If only I were not haunted. I am haunted by thoughts, visions and a voice. A voice that not so long ago I didn't want to ever forget. It is a voice now that I wish would just go away, never to be heard again. Be careful what you wish for, they can't be taken back.
After hanging out with friends, and a guy I was dating it was time to head home. That is when everything turned disastrous. All it took was one wrong turn to pass the places I used to go, for that voice to find me. The voice replayed conversations, the littlest conversations about nothing. But that nothing used to be my everything, and it felt like a knife had been driven into the depths of my soul.
As I got out of the car, and he leaned in to kiss me, the tears began to flow like a river of never ending emotion. I tried so hard to fight them and that just sent more streaming down my face. He tried so hard to comfort me, but how could I even begin to explain why a night of happiness and celebration had taken this turn? All I could say was it was I needed to go home; and I am was sorry. He asked what was wrong. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. My reply never changed. It had been a rough week; I didn't want to talk about it. Standing in the driveway he held me while I cried, probably still so confused as to what was wrong. Probably thinking he had done something terribly wrong. Mascara and eyeliner covered his shirt. Why wouldn't the sound of that voice just let me be at peace?
And so...what did I do? I let that voice ruin my night. I let that voice make decisions for me. I walked down the driveway, away from an amazing guy who treats me like gold. I walked away, I didn't look back. I got in the car and I drove home. I could almost hear the chuckle of satisfaction of that stupid voice. It would haunt me forever, wouldn't it?
And now, no matter how many times  try to apologize, that voice and the words, it is what it is, will be all that I hear.
Word to the wise, never wish for that haunting, one day, you will need it to be silent and it will scream loudly, overpowering everything else.

The Habitual Single Girl

I feel like I have started an internal movement that I have dubbed Operation Stay Single. It seems like I purposely sabotage relationships, even if they a good ones, because they are missing unimportant elements. My type-a personality shines through more and more during these times, as a close friend and confidant seems to remind me.
If things are not done exactly to my schedule, then forget it, I am walking. Maybe my problem is not that I don't want the relationship, but that I really don't know what I want. I want control but I want someone to take control at the same time. I want things to be done according to me, but I don't want to have to explain what my expectations are. He just did it, I didn't have to tell him, and that is why I was okay with that relationship. I hate the "getting to know someone process." I hate having to meet the friends, meet the family, etc. It is just easier when I already know all of these people. The issue, there is no one that fits that description and I am not willing to change that view. It gives me anxiety to even think about thinking outside the box.
Also, I want someone that wants to spend time with me, but I want someone that has their own life as well. If this makes sense in anyone else's head but my own, it will be amazing: I want someone who wants to spend time with me, but doesn't tell me 24/7 how much time they want to spend with me. I want someone who knows just to go away sometimes.
I used to be the texting queen. I hate texting now. I don't want someone that uses text as a primary form of communication. I don't want someone that texts me constantly just because they are bored. I have too much going on in my life to stop every five seconds to check a text and reply.
I can have a ton of fun and be really into someone and turn it off life the flip of a switch. The trigger could be as little as the pronunciation of a word, the sound of a breath taken or as big as a lie.
I will be habitually single. I am the habitually single girl. And I know this. And I am coming to accept that. I am like this because I know what I want and I know I have expectations that are impossible to live up to. I know that I want it both ways and in real life, it is just not like that. I think I am like that because I don't want anyone to be able to live up to those expectations. I want to be habitually single, kiss frogs, and not have to worry about pissing someone off because I decide to go out with my friends and not invite some tag along, or I want to stay home by myself rather than have to pretend to enjoy watching a movie with someone. I don't want to have to feel like I need to impress someone. Since none of this fits the definition of a relationship, here's to my permanent spot on the singles list.

I am sooooo....

.....over it. Just sayin.

s.o.s. I will catch you up on the latest happenings within the next few days. standby. :)

Returning to the scene

I returned to the scene of the beginning of the end recently. On a date none the less. I didn't pick it, he did. It was tough. It was hard to walk through the door; but it was even harder to sit directly across from the table where my life changed so dramatically. I was totally disconnected throughout dinner. I really tried to focus. However, that didn't work so well for me. I couldn't hear a word he was saying. The flashbacks playing in my head were too loud to tune out. It was like I was outside looking back in. I could see everyone sitting at the table. I could hear all of the voices and recall the entire conversation being had by everyone there. I could see the two of us getting up to say our final words outside the front door.
This was totally unfair to the guy I was on a date with. Not fair to him at all. Best case scenario is that he didn't even realize it, and I threw in enough, yeah, and uh-huh's and rights, to make it seem like I heard everything he said and was following along with the conversation. Worst case scenario, he knew there was something distracting me and would ask. Best case won. Dinner was done and I have never left a table, or establishment so quickly in my entire life. Sadly enough, the night was ruined. What should have been an awesome "date" was turned into a disaster simply by the choice of the place to eat.
We went out after, but the damage was already done. It was soon after that I left all together. Maybe we could try again, if my date was not too disturbed by my peculiar behavior. Maybe we would just go our separate ways and meet up some day when the pain goes away. Maybe the pain never leaves.
This, along with bad news from my best friend and an email that should have never been sent, but was only sent with the best of intentions, have put me right back into the "feeling" I need to put the emotion required into the next few chapters. Thus....chapters were born.

Out of my hair!

I read some where one time that women subconsciously cut their hair after going through a break-up. It is supposed to represent that the person is "out of your hair." I think I hoarded this statement. Why, you ask? Well, this blog will tell you all about it.
I used to have LONG hair. I loved my long hair. It was beautiful. I cried every single time I had to even get a trim. My awesome stylist (Cara), who, by the way, is the only person allowed to touch my hair, refused to trim more than the ends, because, she too is a fan of long hair. And then, the long series of break-ups begin.
The first one was not so traumatic for me. So I just got a few inches cut off. The next, also not too traumatic, so only a few more inches. Though, they were not very far apart, so it looked like A LOT. This, of course was beyond my better judgement, and the judgement of Cara; but she was just doing as I asked. Of course, every style has looked amazing, but it is not the long hair I am used to. And then, I hit 3 break-ups in six months.
My hair went from mid-back length to just above my shoulders. They were big cuts every time, not just a little here and there. I miss my long hair, I just don't miss the men that made me lose my long hair. So I have posted a picture on my facebook profile of my in longer hair, as motivation to quit cutting it, regardless of a break-up. The man will be out of my hair regardless, I don't need a hair cut to prove that! I will also be informing Cara, NO MORE cuts, just trims. :) Of course, I know she will comply with this request.
I used to kid Cara that if I had another break-up I would not have any hair left, so the last break-up was a no hair cut break-up. I will leave him to be bald on purpose and leave the hair atop my head where it belongs, just sayin...