Girl Met Boy

Once upon a time girl met boy. Boy changed girl's life. Boy took girl's heart. Boy stomped on girl's heart. Boy returned heart, slightly used and very bruised. Girl recovered after many years. Girl moves on. Boy and girl reunite. Boy steals girl's heart. Boy begins to play games. Girl is left in a state of confusion. Cycle set on repeat.
When someone says, "live and learn" that typically means that there was an event in their life that they learned a valuable lesson from. Typically it was not an event that turned out great, but positive lessons came from it. This, should be enough to keep that person from putting themselves in the situation to experience that event again. Not me. Apparently, live and learn should has a disclaimer in my life that I will return, expecting a different result, only to be disappointed again.

I sit in a state of confusion. Is this really a situation I want to put myself into again? Do I trust that perhaps there is a reason boy walked back into life, or do I let bygones be bygones and never know if what was before could ever be again? One of my favorite quotes is "It's never too late to become what might have been." But what if too late it is not, but too scared and scarred is?

Patience is not a virtue of mine, and I don't want to live in a constant state of wonder. I wish I knew what lies on that path ahead, and if I should take the fork in the road the other direction....

I almost pissed my pants...

I think last nights concert and adventures will go down in history as one of my favorite nights ever!!
I worked yesterday day...and then went straight to the Loop to meet up with Dawn, the bestest bestie ever! :)
Per our usual dining get togethers, and because Pi was SO busy, we went to The Noodle Cafe on Delmar, a little Chinese restaurant. I knew it was going to be a good night...and my fortune confirmed that thought...

(A fun party is soon to be in your future)
Well, we knew that, I was with Dawn already, getting ready to meet up with my concert going pals, Steve and Jeff. After eating we made our way across the street to one of my favorite concert venues....

Good times happen HERE.
Dawn at this point was still a skeptic. She had never heard Aaron Lewis until she listened to him on youtube the night before. She really didn't know what to expect, but was a little excited because of all MY excitement!

 Dawn and I pre-concert...she looks a bit worried.

Aaron Lewis fans become friends for life!
And the show must go on! Great performances by Aaron Lewis as he belted out many great lyrics and threw in a little humor to keep the crowd on their toes...(ie...Time After Time)

(there is a video of a song posted to my facebook, if I was ultra tech savvy I could probably insert it here, but I am not, so you must find it)
By the end of the show, Dawn was a believer and understood my excitement. Aaron Lewis, phenomenal musician. Words can not even describe the awe that surrounds him...

So, being the fun people that we are, we decided to go to the Pin-up...The Pin-up is where the excessive acts of randomness began...Such as meeting Pete. He started it.

This is Pete. Well, Dawn, Pete and Christy...he was the door guy, and I think he just carded us for personal gain rather than for his job.

See, the Pin-Up...that really is where we were....

Though you can't really see this, there was a really old car in the parking lot of the Moonrise...which became our next location for photo ops and lots of laughs!!
You see...there were these couches, and while they LOOKED really comfy, I am pretty sure they were only there as art, but as you can tell in the next picture, that was not realized until we decided to plop onto them in a drunken stupor...

The Moonrise also had a cute Halloween display, which I thought was another great opportunity for a photo.... It was at this point that we decided it would be best to call it a night... we parted ways with Steve and Jeff and decided to walk through the valet lot to my car rather than all the way down Delmar and around the buildings. THIS proved to be the BEST decision of the night!!!
As we walked around the corner, there was the tour bus, and who was outside of it, but Aaron Lewis himself!!

We were both lucky enough to have our tickets to the show autographed!

And Pictures taken!! (Aaron Lewis and Dawn!) She was excited because this is the first famous person she has ever met...

Aaron Lewis and I... me excited because I am in awe with this man!!
I think I almost pissed my pants!!
Many drunken texts and phone calls followed this moment...I can NOT believe I met him. It was totally random that we ran into him!
So, we headed to the car, and by the time we pulled out of the lot, the tour bus and Aaron Lewis had moved on to his next destination, so it was a stroke of luck that we walked back there at exactly the right time!

Nothing could have ruined that evening! One of the best nights I have ever had, thanks to Dawn, Steve, Jeff, and OF COURSE, Aaron Lewis....

xx

Dreamweaver...

I have been having a ton of vivid dreams lately. By a TON I really mean that they wake me up very early every morning. They are SO vivid that they seem real, and upon waking it takes me quite a while to decipher what is reality and what is just dreams; this causes me to toss and turn, wondering what has happened to cause this trauma.  I have awoke in tears many of these mornings because of the content of these dreams. The haunting continues, and while I have found a way to block these occurrences during waking hours (hopefully for good) I have not found a way to block these from my subconscious mind. He is still able to penetrate my thoughts when I am sleeping and unable to forcefully rid them from my thoughts.
One morning I will be waking to tears because my dreams are everything my reality longs for; the next it is because my dreams are everything my reality has become. I am hoping that more stress relief acupuncture sessions can free me from the emotional prison that I find myself trapped in.
I am willing his SOUL to part with mine, as our bodies have already parted. I know that he is not coming back, my body and mind know he is not coming back and our eyes will never meet again....it is time for the souls to part....

I am stuck on Band-aids....

Band-aids. Band-aids cover wounds. Band-aids do not heal wounds, but they may have the affect to take the pain away temporarily. Out of sight out of mind kind of mentality.
I am stuck on band-aids... I try to find all of the things I can to temporarily cover the wounds. I try to find band-aids big enough or significant enough to give me the out of sight of mind mentality. First, it was job hunting, that was a big band-aid. Then I found a job, so that band-aid was removed. When a band-aid is removed, the pain can sometimes be worse. Like you forgot that it was there until the band-aid was ripped off, fresh oxygen hitting the wound, and making you double over in pain, or elephant tears fill your eyes. My next band-aid was RC. More like gauze wrapping than a band-aid though. Wrapped tightly around the wound, but containing holes to let the oxygen though. Band-aid three: end of summer for Coby and all the back to school activities. Band-aid four: graduation. Band-aid five: back to work.
Now, my medicine cabinet is empty, the band-aids are gone, and I didn't use triple antibiotic ointment, so the wound is not yet healed.
So a band-aid covers, hurts when removed, and doesn't heal. I must ask then, what is the point of them, and why am I stuck on them?

No one likes a quitter...but he WOULD have....

So I get told on a regular basis that no one likes a quitter; but I am a quitter. Therefore, I guess what they say is true, because the one person that it would have mattered to is GONE. He hated it SO much, that he was the first person that I wanted to tell when I finally kicked the habit. Unfortunately, he doesn't care anymore. He probably wishes I would have kept the habit, so I would live a short life with a slow and painful death.

I didn't just up and quit on day, though I did try that on many occasions. Here is a brief synopsis of how the process went....

It started with an anxiety attack on the way to work one Thursday morning...I had been discussing chiropractics and acupuncture with a chiropractor that I know, so I gave him a call at lunch. I explained that I wanted to try acupuncture to attempt to alleviate some of my stress and anxiety issues. We set up an appointment for the next evening. After an hour long appointment, overall physical, back adjustments, and 3 acupuncture points only for stress, I walked out with a second appointment for the following Monday, and a total believer in the tranquility that acupuncture could bring. 

I didn't even get the smoking cessation points, yet I had NO desire to smoke. And the two that I had after my appointment made me feel ill. This appointment had lowered my anxiety to the point that I didn't need the nicotine to make myself feel like it was lowering my anxiety (when actually it makes it worse). 

This inspired me. I wanted to start living healthier. As I was driving home that evening from hanging out with friends, I got to thinking of all of the toxins that I put into my body, caffeine, high amounts of sugar, nicotine, high levels of sodium, etc.

At the appointment, the chiro and I also discussed the need to increase my daily intake of water. SO, thus was the kick off of my healthier, reduced stress, reduced anxiety, lifestyle. I no longer smoke, I no longer ingest soda, I try to watch the amount of sugar that is in these "water" drinks, and therefore stick mostly to water, plain and simple. Fast food- out of the question. Fried food- totally reduced. 

I should probably stress that I am not dieting, because I am not doing any of this in an attempt to lose weight. I am doing this in an attempt to be healthier and FEEL better.  I have more energy, I am sleeping better, I get up easier in the mornings, I don't have the mood swings I was having. 

I attribute this to a few things: 

1) Acupunture

2) Detoxifying my body through chiropractics

3) Reducing the amount of toxins I intentionally put into my body.

So back to the beginning of the post, I wish he could see the changes that I have made in my life, and the different person I have become due to the changes. 

Candy Coated

So, I have three blogs, that I pretty much know what they are going to say, yet I sit in front of the computer unable to put the complete thoughts down onto paper. I am not sure what my issue is today, and yesterday for that matter. Well, that is a lie, I kinda do, but if I say them, or type them, then that makes them real. I am not sure that I am ready for those thoughts to be real yet.
My heart hurts when I think about the process of blogging what should be happy (?) occasions for me. My heart hurts because the one person I want to share all of that with is not here for me to share them with.
Acupuncture healed my anxiety...minus the anxiety, all that is left is pain.
I feel like I am back on day five, and just want to crawl in bed, curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep.
My candy coated shell is quickly dissolving.

Status: Disabled

There are times when being "tech-savvy" doesn't work in ones favor. I thought it would be a good idea to temporarily disable my facebook account. This, largely in part so that the constant reminders of the life I once lived were not thrown in my face. I have now decided that really isn't going to work. Here is why:

#1- I POSTED that I was disabling the account.
#2- Prior to making that choice, I made absolutely certain that I was still going to be able to see what I wanted to see so that I wouldn't have an anxiety attack every day.
#3- I know computers. I am good with computers. I can't HIDE from them, or trick myself into thinking that I don't have this knowledge. (If I had the power over my mind that would allow me to "trick" myself, I wouldn't be trying to escape this madness in the first place!)
#4- My MIND doesn't have a disable button.

So, I sat at work, reminding myself that the conscious on my right shoulder was steadily instilling the need to disable my account. Disable. Disconnect. Erase. Forget.
My left shoulder conscious had a different plan. It was rebutting. Screaming. Reminding me of all the ways to cheat my temporary fix.

This was enough to want to send anyone into nervous breakdown mode. I shook my head, thinking it would knock both right and left conscious off my shoulders. This struggle was defeating the whole purpose. It was simply transferring one inner struggle to another inner struggle, which was reminding me of the whole reason for the inner struggle to begin with.

So, disabled? Is that the current status? Yes. One debilitating factor or another, in some way shape or form, just not Facebook disabled.

The Haunting

Rough week. Really rough week; and that is putting it mildly. I wish it would have ended on a good note. If only I were not haunted. I am haunted by thoughts, visions and a voice. A voice that not so long ago I didn't want to ever forget. It is a voice now that I wish would just go away, never to be heard again. Be careful what you wish for, they can't be taken back.
After hanging out with friends, and a guy I was dating it was time to head home. That is when everything turned disastrous. All it took was one wrong turn to pass the places I used to go, for that voice to find me. The voice replayed conversations, the littlest conversations about nothing. But that nothing used to be my everything, and it felt like a knife had been driven into the depths of my soul.
As I got out of the car, and he leaned in to kiss me, the tears began to flow like a river of never ending emotion. I tried so hard to fight them and that just sent more streaming down my face. He tried so hard to comfort me, but how could I even begin to explain why a night of happiness and celebration had taken this turn? All I could say was it was I needed to go home; and I am was sorry. He asked what was wrong. He asked if I wanted to talk about it. My reply never changed. It had been a rough week; I didn't want to talk about it. Standing in the driveway he held me while I cried, probably still so confused as to what was wrong. Probably thinking he had done something terribly wrong. Mascara and eyeliner covered his shirt. Why wouldn't the sound of that voice just let me be at peace?
And so...what did I do? I let that voice ruin my night. I let that voice make decisions for me. I walked down the driveway, away from an amazing guy who treats me like gold. I walked away, I didn't look back. I got in the car and I drove home. I could almost hear the chuckle of satisfaction of that stupid voice. It would haunt me forever, wouldn't it?
And now, no matter how many times  try to apologize, that voice and the words, it is what it is, will be all that I hear.
Word to the wise, never wish for that haunting, one day, you will need it to be silent and it will scream loudly, overpowering everything else.

The Habitual Single Girl

I feel like I have started an internal movement that I have dubbed Operation Stay Single. It seems like I purposely sabotage relationships, even if they a good ones, because they are missing unimportant elements. My type-a personality shines through more and more during these times, as a close friend and confidant seems to remind me.
If things are not done exactly to my schedule, then forget it, I am walking. Maybe my problem is not that I don't want the relationship, but that I really don't know what I want. I want control but I want someone to take control at the same time. I want things to be done according to me, but I don't want to have to explain what my expectations are. He just did it, I didn't have to tell him, and that is why I was okay with that relationship. I hate the "getting to know someone process." I hate having to meet the friends, meet the family, etc. It is just easier when I already know all of these people. The issue, there is no one that fits that description and I am not willing to change that view. It gives me anxiety to even think about thinking outside the box.
Also, I want someone that wants to spend time with me, but I want someone that has their own life as well. If this makes sense in anyone else's head but my own, it will be amazing: I want someone who wants to spend time with me, but doesn't tell me 24/7 how much time they want to spend with me. I want someone who knows just to go away sometimes.
I used to be the texting queen. I hate texting now. I don't want someone that uses text as a primary form of communication. I don't want someone that texts me constantly just because they are bored. I have too much going on in my life to stop every five seconds to check a text and reply.
I can have a ton of fun and be really into someone and turn it off life the flip of a switch. The trigger could be as little as the pronunciation of a word, the sound of a breath taken or as big as a lie.
I will be habitually single. I am the habitually single girl. And I know this. And I am coming to accept that. I am like this because I know what I want and I know I have expectations that are impossible to live up to. I know that I want it both ways and in real life, it is just not like that. I think I am like that because I don't want anyone to be able to live up to those expectations. I want to be habitually single, kiss frogs, and not have to worry about pissing someone off because I decide to go out with my friends and not invite some tag along, or I want to stay home by myself rather than have to pretend to enjoy watching a movie with someone. I don't want to have to feel like I need to impress someone. Since none of this fits the definition of a relationship, here's to my permanent spot on the singles list.

I am sooooo....

.....over it. Just sayin.

s.o.s. I will catch you up on the latest happenings within the next few days. standby. :)

Returning to the scene

I returned to the scene of the beginning of the end recently. On a date none the less. I didn't pick it, he did. It was tough. It was hard to walk through the door; but it was even harder to sit directly across from the table where my life changed so dramatically. I was totally disconnected throughout dinner. I really tried to focus. However, that didn't work so well for me. I couldn't hear a word he was saying. The flashbacks playing in my head were too loud to tune out. It was like I was outside looking back in. I could see everyone sitting at the table. I could hear all of the voices and recall the entire conversation being had by everyone there. I could see the two of us getting up to say our final words outside the front door.
This was totally unfair to the guy I was on a date with. Not fair to him at all. Best case scenario is that he didn't even realize it, and I threw in enough, yeah, and uh-huh's and rights, to make it seem like I heard everything he said and was following along with the conversation. Worst case scenario, he knew there was something distracting me and would ask. Best case won. Dinner was done and I have never left a table, or establishment so quickly in my entire life. Sadly enough, the night was ruined. What should have been an awesome "date" was turned into a disaster simply by the choice of the place to eat.
We went out after, but the damage was already done. It was soon after that I left all together. Maybe we could try again, if my date was not too disturbed by my peculiar behavior. Maybe we would just go our separate ways and meet up some day when the pain goes away. Maybe the pain never leaves.
This, along with bad news from my best friend and an email that should have never been sent, but was only sent with the best of intentions, have put me right back into the "feeling" I need to put the emotion required into the next few chapters. Thus....chapters were born.

Out of my hair!

I read some where one time that women subconsciously cut their hair after going through a break-up. It is supposed to represent that the person is "out of your hair." I think I hoarded this statement. Why, you ask? Well, this blog will tell you all about it.
I used to have LONG hair. I loved my long hair. It was beautiful. I cried every single time I had to even get a trim. My awesome stylist (Cara), who, by the way, is the only person allowed to touch my hair, refused to trim more than the ends, because, she too is a fan of long hair. And then, the long series of break-ups begin.
The first one was not so traumatic for me. So I just got a few inches cut off. The next, also not too traumatic, so only a few more inches. Though, they were not very far apart, so it looked like A LOT. This, of course was beyond my better judgement, and the judgement of Cara; but she was just doing as I asked. Of course, every style has looked amazing, but it is not the long hair I am used to. And then, I hit 3 break-ups in six months.
My hair went from mid-back length to just above my shoulders. They were big cuts every time, not just a little here and there. I miss my long hair, I just don't miss the men that made me lose my long hair. So I have posted a picture on my facebook profile of my in longer hair, as motivation to quit cutting it, regardless of a break-up. The man will be out of my hair regardless, I don't need a hair cut to prove that! I will also be informing Cara, NO MORE cuts, just trims. :) Of course, I know she will comply with this request.
I used to kid Cara that if I had another break-up I would not have any hair left, so the last break-up was a no hair cut break-up. I will leave him to be bald on purpose and leave the hair atop my head where it belongs, just sayin...

All across the board...

So, as I am sitting here, thinking of all the items to be listed in this blog, I am wondering if these personality traits are some sort of OCD, personality disorder, social anxiety disorder, or other such explanation. Maybe I am just looking for something to blame, other than an over anxious and over analytical mind.
#1- I cannot walk through a door, into a bar, restaurant, or other social establishment first. So that means, that when I am on a date, the guy cannot be a gentleman and hold the door open for me. These men don't seem to understand this and think I am just being a silly Type-A, who has to show independence by opening the door for them. NOT the case. I have anxiety about having to walk in first. You see, much to many peoples amazement, I do not like to be the center of attention. I don't like the whole, "all eyes on me." It bundles my nerves so tightly that I can hardly function like a normal adult. So, what happens when a door opens in a place? People turn and look at the door. People are nosy. They want to know who is coming in, they want to know if they know the person coming in, they want to judge the person coming in. Therefore, I can not walk in first.
#2- I am a dissector, or whatever you call someone that dissects. I don't dissect cute little frogs or anything of that nature. I dissect information. I dissect every word. I dissect every action. Everything means something to me; be it good, bad or ugly, and I cannot sleep at night until I figure out what that is. If there is nothing to dissect, I analyze the situation, because that simply is not possible and therefore there is something I am missing. There HAS to be something to dissect.
#3- I am a "fixer" as someone recently put it. I don't like conflict, yet I cannot walk away from conflict. I don't want to argue, but I can't walk away with things left unresolved. So, rather than walk away, leave things unsaid, I would rather assess and talk about the situation, resolve it, then there is no question of where things stand. When I have to walk away, the only thing is does is cause me massive amounts of anxiety, fear, and emotions to the point that I almost make myself ill with worry. I don't like when things are not black and white with where things stand. More than that, I don't like when things are potentially not "good." I am the first to admit fault to avoid an argument and just happily move on about the day.
That being said, if I have an issue, I would rather dissect it with my BFF than bring it up while spending time with the person I am in a relationship with. Why? Well, I typically don't get to spend much time with the person due to scheduling conflicts. So the time I do get to spend with them, I don't want to spend discuss what may or may not be me over analyzing something.
#4- I used to be naive. I am not anymore. I have NOW figured out that NO ONE works 24 hours a day 7 days a week. If they say they do, they are lying. I used to think that they were just that dedicated to their job, I NOW see that they were dedicated to making it appear that way. One point in the positive for Christy; she finally figured that out!
And alas, I need to quit listing all my quirky personality traits, and let you all enjoy reading about them while I finish the next chapter of The Break-Up Chronicles. Tonight is the first meeting of the minds at the "Writing Club, party of two," as I have dubbed it. :) There will be a blog about this, I am sure. With the two minds we are putting together it is sure to be an entertaining event, just sayin....

Sometimes you just can't reason with Christy

I am a type A personality. I am impatient. I like things to be done my way. I like things to go according to my plan. This is probably very selfish, or it is just very type A. Whichever the case may be, it is who I am. I am the type of person you either love or hate. 

I rush around in a panicked frenzy getting stressed out over small details, only to change everything around at the last minute, for no reason what-so-ever. Let me give you a little example of what I am talking about.

First date jitters. Everyone has them, right? Ok, well maybe just people like me. "Date 1" was going to take place spur of he moment on a Thursday evening. I wouldn't have really even considered that a date; it would have been more like a casual meeting. This did not happen. Due to it coming up at the last minute, I didn't end up with a sitter. So, then a "date" was actually scheduled for 3 days later. The thought of this itself made me want to crawl out of my skin with anxiety issues. I had 3 days to plan, so one would think I would totally be okay with this. No, not anyone who knows me. Anyone who knows me, would know that this leaves idle time for me to analyze, re-analyze and over analyze every little detail about this date. Irrational fear and stress over everything about this date, from what to wear to if I was going to have to walk into the place we were meeting, alone. (I don't walk through doors first, but that is a whole other blog.)

So the day of the date arrives. He is a nice guy, who has been a complete gentleman, so there is NOTHING to worry about, yet I am stressed out. Why? Because he picked the time, date, and location. Is this a big deal? One would not think so, because I would have picked nothing different. So, why IS it the source of all things stress related? Because it was not MY plan.

I think I changed clothes 20 times. Honestly. Looking around my room, it looked like my closet vomitted all over the bedroom floor, and I was no closer to finding something that I wanted to walk out of the house in. So, what do I do? I pick up the phone, and send a text. I have nothing to wear, I can't come. Now, as much as I had talked to him, we had never discussed how irrational and unreasonable I can be. So, he thought I was really not coming. What I really meant is: 1- I may be late. 2- I am stressed that I am not going to look cute. 3- I want to pout about this, thus leading back to number 1. Alas, I found something. For such a large stress in the day, I couldn't even tell you what I wore, real substantial issue, right?
So, I get in the car. I think I may have sent him a text telling him I could not meet him IN the restaurant. I get a reply telling me he is sitting at the outside bar, next door to the restaurant. Great, I get stress, he gets a beer. How is this fair? So, I get there, park. Get out of the car. My hands are numb. My voice is shaky. Stressed is written all over my face. As I approach the gate to the patio bar, the anxiety makes my legs feel like they are going to give out from under me. I have to walk through the gate, alone. Which means walking in FIRST and LAST which is just completely unacceptable for me. However, I made it in, began Date #1. Somebody give this girl a beer! 
Dinner, drinks, and future dates- Check! So, moral of the story, I stress. It's just my personality. I will stress, over big things, little things, and all things in between. I think better under stress, or so is my defense. All stress aside, I have had more dates with said, gentleman in the past 2 weeks that I had in my entire last "relationship." Just sayin...

Fly, Fly Away

You know that feeling where your stomach is doing flip-flops, your skin is crawling with excitement, and you can't catch your breath? That feeling of butterflies in your stomach? I know that feeling all to well. I used to place the future of any relationship on the presence or absence of butterflies. If the butterflies where present, then I obviously had an undeniable interest. I felt that butterflies meant chemistry. Butterflies meant excitement. Butterflies meant future. If someone did not cause butterflies, then I must not feel a connection with him, er, right? Well I am ditching that thought. You know why? What to butterflies do? Fly, fly away. Butterflies are beautiful creatures that come into sight long enough to capture your attention, amaze you with the beauty, then fly away quickly leaving you yearning for more.

Just like the butterfly, those who cause those butterflies, fly away. They come into your life, cause excitement; cause captivation; then they depart, as quickly as they appeared, leaving you in search of that excitement that was removed. Try to chase a butterfly, they will flutter their wings fast enough to put them just out of reach. No matter how high you climb, how fast you run, or how high you jump, they will not allow themselves to be captured. 

So maybe this whole time I had it backwards. I sought the presence of butterflies and didn't understand that the presence also meant that one day they would flutter away; because butterflies weren't mean to be kept. I thought that without the butterflies that meant it wasn't meant to be, when in all actuality, the absence meant that they wouldn't flutter away. They wouldn't put themselves just out of reach. 

So while before I focused on the presence, I am now focusing on the absence. If they cause the butterflies that just don't land, they will be set free to fly, fly away. 

Just sayin...

Not a Stepford

My views on what a wife should do for a husband or what a girlfriend should do for her boyfriend is much different from many others out there. I am pretty old fashioned. I think it is the woman’s job to take care of the man. The man should not HAVE to do dishes, laundry, cooking, cleaning, or other domestic chores (except lawn care. I just don’t do lawn care.) I think there is a reason that many “older” marriages worked. I fully believe it is the amount of devotion that these woman show to their husbands. I do not think that every man and woman should have this view, but this is merely my outlook.

This being said, I should make clear that I am not a “Stepford.” I am not a robot. I am not perfect. My hair is a mess sometimes. My makeup isn’t always perfectly in place. There is not always something baking in the oven. I don’t just sit there and look pretty. I have opinions. I have feelings. I have a voice. I will not always agree with what a man, my friends, a man’s friends, or everyone else thinks or feels about a situation. I am not programmed to say how high when someone says jump.

I am willing to listen to everyone’s opinion, but that doesn’t mean I have to agree with them; so why does it mean that if I don’t, I am such a horrible person? Why can’t I have my opinion, thoughts and feelings just as I understand everyone else has?

I think that there are so many men that will never be satisfied with the woman who is perfectly imperfect. Many who will not embrace the uniqueness that a woman with feelings has to offer. Those men will lead a very lonely life, unless their idea of not being alone is a different woman in his bed every night; and let me be the first to say, those women will catch on to that game as well, and then they won’t even have that. Perfection doesn’t exist. So, men, if you are looking for a woman that sits and says nothing because she is scared she may offend you, doesn’t offer an opinion, doesn’t bring individualism to the table, then the local porn shop sells “blow-up Betty” and that is your perfect match. 

The things I say... (AND bonus weekend rewind!)

I tend to take the most inopportune moments to say things. Perhaps it is because I happen to find what I say, funny, cute, maybe a little sarcastic. But I have come to realize that sometimes what I say, sounds better just as a thought in my head, rather than words out of my mouth (or in a text). Sometimes this occurs when I have been drinking. Then at least I can blame it on the alcohol. Other times I am not so fortunate. Other times I don't think of how it is going to come across before I decide to press send. Its not that I say things that are hurtful, but perhaps they just are not cute....erm, or funny.
Anyway, moving on the the weekend rewind...
Friday I got a pleasant little surprise. After a test for a job in the morning, and an interview in the afternoon, RC (who shall remain nameless...for now) decided that he was going to come keep me company for my boring Friday evening in. This, of course, made my day. So, after watching a kick ass Cardinals game, a "so-so" movie, and an awesome kiss good night, I was able to get a wonderful and refreshing nights sleep. For some reason, the kisses allow me to sleep. LOL, at least that is what I am going with.
I got to sleep in until about 9:30 Saturday morning, which was nice, for a change. I was a total slacker all day though, which was not so nice. I should have done homework, and instead I watched one of my favorite movies ever with Dawn (Yea, Dawn! You made the blog!!). Then it was time to go to work.
I had to cater at a wedding Saturday night. Let me tell you, I am not a materialistic person; HOWEVER, in this case, I would have been a runaway bride. I knew it was going to be a Hmmmmm.....wedding, we pulled up to the reception location and it was at a gun club. I know we are in the middle of nowhere in the mid-west, but really? And the "moments" just kept getting better. The best-man walked in, unshaved, with a derby hat on and a "40" in his hand. The crowd was a mixture of suits and dresses to dirty jeans and t-shirts. I looked at my mom (whom I was catering with) and said, "Oh, Michelle (who was a mild bridezilla) would have had a hay day with this one." The groom had on Wranglers; and as if that wasn't classy enough, they were brown. I didn't know they even still MADE colored jeans. The ring bearer had on dress shoes with no socks. The brides veil looked as if it were decorated by a 6 year old. AND....drum roll please!!!! As we were packing the van to leave, the "men" of the wedding, were outside shooting clay pigeons. YEEEHAW! To think, we thought we may actually get tipped on this job.
After that experience, I needed a beer. So I went by Dawn's, had a beer, and headed home for the night.
Today (Sunday), I slept in again. It was wonderful. I got my favorite kind of wake-up (a message from RC), which set the precedence for the day. I was motivated, and got my homework done. Then it was off to Shaila's bridal shower! Good times there, it was great to see her so happy! Then it was home to finish one last assignment. Now I am on the couch for the duration. This heat wave is kicking my ass and draining my energy.
I've got a feelin...that this week is gonna be a good good weeeek! Just sayin...

I Feel like

I feel like…

…a fish. Fish are often forgotten for a few days, but are still alive when you decide to check the tank. Only the fish will just welcome the food you sprinkle in the tank when you finally remember it is there. I will quick jump out of the tank and be gone.

…a book. A novel really. Many chapters, some short some long, just waiting for the next chapter to be written.

…a picture. Looked at with memories, but never able to capture that moment again.

…a mirror. Reflective and telling, yet sometimes used for decoration.

…a tv sitcom. Entertaining, but changed for a commercial break.

…a flower. Beautiful but weathered by the storm.

…a smile. Simple yet effective.

…ice cream. Sweet. Comforting. Meltable.

…a tree. Fragile yet strong.

…chalkboard. Erase and re-do.

…I’m dreaming. Waiting to wake up.

Hoarders

Have you seen these people known as Hoarders? They collect, save, refuse to discard so many items that it takes over their homes, families and lives. Collections of junk that should have set to the curb long ago, yet they remain in piles, floor to ceiling. Some save these things because they supposedly have sentimental value; some because they may “need” it at a later date; and some because they just can’t let go.

I consider myself a hoarder, only I do not hoard physical objects. What I hoard does not fill my home, only my mind. What I hoard cannot not be seen to the people who walk into my life. What I hoard does not stack floor to ceiling. I am a memory hoarder. A hoarder of hopes and dreams. A hoarder of what might have been.

I guess this is what was meant by, “you have detachment issues.” Yes, I am hoarding that statement. Things that should just be set to the curb remain burnt into the depths of my mind. I don’t know why I am a hoarder, and I don’t know how to de-clutter the big ‘ole mess. No one else can throw these things out. No one can come in and remove the objects. Just like hoarders of physical objects, my life goes on despite the clutter and mess.

Perhaps it is time to clean out the closets, yet I reserve the right to hoard in the future... just sayin...

The Break-Up Chronicles

On facebook? "like" the book page!!! Just click on the title of this blog post! Its that simple, it takes you straight to my up and coming book fan page!

and so it begins.

I am a girl of many words. Well, that's not exactly true. I can get my point across if very few words sometimes, though, since I have to have the last word, that rarely happens. I mean, why should I let someone else have the satisfaction of thinking they got to say what they wanted to say and I had no rebuttal!? No way!! Simply put, that is not my style. That is probably why some "conversations" get taken to an extreme. Yes, I know, I have issues. :)

You know what other issue I have. Drunk texting. Just add alcohol, I think I am funny, and the texts go crazy. Why is it that after beer #1 my friends do not take my phone away from me? I think they think it makes good conversation for the next day. That or funny facebook posts. Sometimes I just have to delete my outbox, because I really just don't want to remember what I said. Oh, the issues....

Without explanation (they will be future blog posts!), I date guys that I am too hot for, I have detachment issues (or so I am told), I go from crying to laughing in 2.5 (maybe I am bi-polar, or I just have great friends), sometimes you just can't reason with Christy, HIM, the inner struggle with laziness, and I am sure a random drunk post every now and then. Stay tuned, I will be here often for your entertainment. :)

As for now, me and my friend beer must have a little chat...Just sayin...